“Waaaahh!” came a cry from the basement.
Uh-oh, I thought… what is it now? I was sitting in our living room, the door to the basement nearby.
Stomp, stomp, stomp up the stairs. The wails increased in volume as the victim got closer. The crier was trying hard to maintain the ferocity of cry so that mommy would be dutifully impressed by the audacity of the crime. The cry was definitely the “I’m insulted” or “I’m mad” cry, as opposed to the “I’m hurt” cry.
“Mommy, he took my toy!” cried my four-year old daughter. She buried her head in my lap, sobbing pitifully.
“I had it first!” proclaimed her six-year old brother, holding the prized item high above his head, trailing close behind her. “It’s mine. I got it for my birthday!”
“You need to share,” I said to them (for I think the thousandth time in their lives).
“You’ve had it for a long time now,” I said to my son. “You can play with it for five more minutes, and then it’s her turn.”
Then I said to both children. “I’m going to set the kitchen timer. When it beeps you need to switch.”
They both nodded, problem solved, and ran off happily together back to the basement as if nothing had just happened.
All was quiet on homefront for about fifteen more minutes. Then… “waaaahh!” It was another child. I waited for the report of the horrible crime this time. Stomp, stomp, stomp… “Mommy!”
Learning to share is a normal developmental process and can be a challenging concept to teach.
It is important to realize that the sense of fairness or empathy for others changes as a child develops. A toddler to three-year old is only aware of his/her own personal feelings. They have not yet developed the ability to understand that what they do may hurt or negatively affect other people. “The world revolves around ME” is the motto of a two-year old.
As children get to age four and five, they start to realize that other people have feelings, too. This is when sharing and fairness becomes easier for them to understand. When you are teaching, you can explain why he/she should be kind and share. At this age, they can remember what it feels like when someone doesn’t share with them. They can start to understand that what they do can make others feel badly.
So how can you deal with arguments over sharing?
Prevention – If you know that both kids are going to want something that you are going to give them, you can prevent the fight by setting guidelines early on. Such as, “I have something fun for both of you. John will get to use it for five minutes, and then Susie can have it for the next five minutes.” Get them to agree on the rules of sharing beforehand.
If your young child is having a playdate, put your child’s prized possessions away so that the visiting child won’t be tempted to play with them. Talk about sharing toys before the playdate so that your child understands that someone else will be playing with her toys.
Intervene early – When you hear arguments beginning, distract them if you can. Steer them to another activity that is less contentious.
Give age-appropriate guidance – spending time giving a two-year old a lecture about how sharing/hitting/biting hurts others and would they like it if someone did that to them, and don’t they understand that it isn’t fair to hog a toy the whole time, and so on… It’s a little bit like Charlie Brown’s teachers saying “wah wah wah wah wah” to the children. Your preschooler is not capable of understanding all of the nuances of being nice.
Time them – A kitchen timer is a great way to help little ones to share and avoid fights. By saying that they can each play with a popular toy for five minutes, until the beeper goes off, is a concrete idea that they can understand.
Be short and sweet in your teachings – “You need to share. Give Jason the red one and you can have the blue one.” If your child cannot manage to do that, then take away the offending items and move on to another activity.
Praise sharing behavior – It is important to give praise when your child shares (either on his own or with your prompting). This will reinforce the “good” behavior that you want. If you focus too much on the less desirable or “bad” behavior, it will reinforce the “bad” behavior. Children want naturally crave attention from their parents. Even it is negative attention, it is still attention. (Think of the game that toddlers love of throwing something on the floor and you picking it up over and over again… they’ll keep doing it because you are paying attention to their behavior.)
When your child spontaneously shares or goes out of their way to help another child, it’s a great moment for any parent. Some children are natural helpers and learn early that it feels good to make others happy. Others need more coaching, but do not despair, for they will learn this, too.
Happy Mother’s Day next week to all the moms reading this blog! Hope you have a wonderful, relaxing, peaceful day! Thanks for reading!
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